Under normal circumstances, I would say that patience is a virtue that I have a firm grasp on. At least, the semblance of it. I can sit and wait for food in a restaurant (usually) without wondering how much longer it will take. I can retreat into my own mind and there be entertained while standing in the ponderously slow checkout lines at the nearest Walmart. Even when I am in a hurry, I manage to becalm myself with the reassurance that I will arrive on time, at the latest. But the non-happenings of the past two weeks have left me so very frustrated, all I want to do is to get through the day and go to sleep so the next day will arrive sooner. It appears that what I called patience was nothing more than a facet of my easy-going side.
I am speaking, as many college students would, about summer. But sunning on the beach, hiking the Appalachian Trail, and spending day after lazy day upon my own quirky pursuits, however appealing, are far from the way I would like to spend it: in a research laboratory. I have put in 6-8 hours a week during the semester in between classes and have really felt a kind of ownership over my work. Ideally, I will be able to live here in town, quasi-independently, and go to the lab every day as a full-time job. Payment would come from the grant/scholarship that my faculty mentor and I applied for, the minimum amount of which is more than I’ve ever made in two months’ time. Meanwhile, my resume would be bolstered with this irreplacable experience and I would be able to better assess my fitness for research as a part of my future career. Ideally.
As of yet, I have no backup plans.
It may seem foolish to rest my hopes upon the decision of a committee that probably got suckered into selecting awardees by the offer of a free lunch and a day away from normal work, but in practice that is precisely what I am doing. I do not want to even think about the possibility of a long, taxing job search back home until this vision has been utterly destroyed. So it is that I have anxiously peered through the tiny window in my mailbox, praying for some official-looking business letter to appear, and all for naught. I gathered from the application that I would receive notification of my success (or failure) on or by the seventeenth… last Friday. Friday came and went with nothing more than a fresh layer of dust. So the good professor called the grant officer to ascertain the cause of the delay, at which he was assured that letters would be mailed the following week. I did not expect to hear anything until Wednesday at the earliest because of the slowness of parcel post, but as soon as the PO opened that day, there I was, cupping my hands to block the glare on the box window, praying that my letter was masked by that stray beam. It wasn’t. Neither was it there yesterday. Nor today. Another phone call revealed that the committee has faced several delays in the selection process and will not be meeting until Tuesday next.
Which means that I will not know anything for another week.
Please, if I don’t show up for church/class/meals/etc, come find me. My head’s probably stuck in the wall where I hit it a bit too vehemently.
Marie! I do hope you’re here in town this summer.
I’m so glad I read your blog, and really sorry that I haven’t asked the cause of your stress/tiredness – just assumed it was school, like for everyone else.
I’m praying for you to get the position, and for peace while you wait. I, too, want you to be here so much this summer; partly for selfish reasons- so we can hang out! – but also because you have such a love for what you’re doing, and such a high level of commitment – I just want to march in there and tell that committee they’re crazy if they don’t pick you!