sour candy hearts February 9, 2009

I’ve been seeing red lately. A lot of it. Every time I walk into a store, there it is. A whole two aisles devoted to fuzzy plush hearts cheaply embroidered with run-of-the mill messages that I certainly wouldn’t say in earnest; in fact, I don’t think I can say them with a straight face. But someone out there is going to buy this junk and dump it on his unsuspecting wife/girlfriend/secret crush. Sure, it’s a well-meant gesture, but I have to take my Beloved’s stance on this one: it’s just another excuse for girls to get mad if their significant others don’t do anything special for them. Come on, gals. Really?

You hopeless romantics out there, take notice: YOUR SWEETHEART DOES NOT HAVE TO CELEBRATE THIS DAY! That’s right, you don’t have to do anything special when February 14th rolls around! You might be thinking, “Hold up, Marie, you’re just bitter because YOU don’t have any plans this year.” Nah, I’ve just learned to be realistic in my expectations. Beloved’s going camping with his buddies, I’m studying for the two tests which fall on the following Monday. It Happens. And Not Because He Forgets.

It’s so counter-intuitive to set aside only one day a year for attached persons to fawn over one another (and single persons to wear black in protest). Why? It takes all the spontaneity out of anything nice he does for me around this time of year. The degree to which he loves me is all the same, but I can tell the difference between a vase of roses given solely for my pleasure and the same vase given to appease Cupid. I much prefer the former. Not to say that I wouldn’t accept a gift should he choose to give it on that day, but the spirit and attitude in which it is given means more  to me than does the red lettering on a calendar. So (Beloved, I hope you’re reading this) before you give in to those beady little eyes on that teddy bear, step back and question your motives. Are you hoping that she’ll be placated and not rag on you for your forgetfulness last year? Do you hope to elicit some sort of favor in return? Or are you sincerely seeking to express your love for her? If you find yourself tending toward the first two, shame on you! Drop that candy sampler and don’t come back until you can do better! If you fall in the third category, what are you doing in the Vomit Day aisle? Think about her interests–does she really enjoy collecting those stuffed animals? Don’t do anything until you can come up with a better idea. You don’t have to meet a deadline. In fact, don’t worry about when it happens at all. Just don’t forget to act on that notion when it does come. February fourteenth? Okay. Your anniversary? Better. No special reason/”just because”? Now you’re getting the idea.

What do you think? What’s your preferred mode of expression for sweet nothings? Do you think my eyes are brown because I’m so full of it? Do tell!